my mind…my heart

hello ate
claire…
how are you? i miss you ate claire… it’s been so long really since we had the
chance to sit down and talk. i miss doing that with my bestfriend. i miss the
golf course walk. i miss the gazing of the starry skies. i miss the million and
one things that we shared and did together. i miss the home that our arms were
to each other. i know that so many things have transpired in both of our lives
now, details that we can no longer catch up sharing as we did when i was still
there. i miss you te… beyond words… but i want you to know that you keep
that irreplaceable place in my heart. other friends may come just as in your
life so many others have come after i was gone, but no one comes close to who
you are to me. the moments we share together were our moments, just ours. and
they cannot be cheated on, cannot be syndicated. they are wholly yours and
mine. and even now, you remain who you are to me because friendship and love
isn’t confined by time and space. it is what gives us a glimpse of heaven. it
is everlasting. it remains untarnished.
i love you ate claire… for who you are… for everything that you are. to me,
you will always be among the most beautiful women i know. your heart will
always be among the ones with the greatest luster.
you will always be among the best persons i have ever met.
and whether you have a man beside you or not, because God owns you, in my sight
you will always be complete in the person that you are. complete. whole.
beautiful. and i love you. (aisa oliveros manlosa)

–FROM MY BESTFRIEND WHO IS SO FAR AWAY AND WHOM I SO MISS :’(

i have not been able to find a moment to write here, for what to me was such a long spell…mainly because i got so busy and because i have not been struck by the "right" impetus to do so. true there were so many things that have been  grammatically  constructed in my mind, some have been written but i cannot just post it here for a myriad reasons that i choose not to elaborate. but this, this letter, which is so much more than a collection of words that came from her mind is an expression of what is in her heart, an expression that i was not able to put into words myself. the only thing that can best describe the similar longing that i share is the single tear that fell, unbidden and unchecked…true, distance can separate two individuals–the silence may seem deafening at times, broken only by the periodic comes and gos of a communication made possible by the technological advances that man has made to help bridge the separation; the feeling of being so lost, not knowing who to go to, since the one person whom you trust will listen to you in everything, hold your hand and hug you, and make you laugh in the midst of your tears is only near because of the memories; the overwhelming urge to simply ignore all the responsibilities and pack, and without thinking twice bring oneself to that person’s doorstep just so you can do the things that you two so love doing–the void, though at times paralyzing is still a sweet reminder that there will always be that one person whom you know you can count on, whom others can never replace, whose value can never be equalled, and that though far, she will constantly be who she is to you…to me…

i love you too little jeep…and i miss you too…

We were as usual taking our time leaving the table after a not-so-sumptuous-but-hearty dinner when we got to discussing about nutrients that one can obtain naturally out of fruits and vegetables…my mother did the talking and I did the concluding, which eventually had us all bursting into fits of laughter.

The lines:

1. That eating one clove of garlic a day helps prevent heart problems—and this is supported by researches, something that you guys can search in the internet if you are doubtful

2. That eating lots of peanuts can make one intelligent—ummm I’d say “MAYBE”… because they say that it contains nutrients that are good for the brain, something that I, unfortunately, am not sure of  (beats me really, these lines are simply instrumental for without these, there’d be no conclusions, which I am going to proceed right to writing down now)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

The conclusions:

1. True enough, freedom from heart problems, so the garlic eater therefore lives longer compared to the ones that he is closely associated with, because the ones who will get to unluckily smell the air that he exhales constantly, will certainly, eventually, develop heart problems…(this is just a joke okay? It is not my intention to cause some feathers to be unruffled somewhere, certainly no offense meant…I too love to eat fried garlic, if that is any consolation)

2. I’d say this is false,…you see, instead of studying, students who take a wild shot at this story and choose to believe and try if this works, will eventually just find themselves eating peanuts and forgetting that they too have to do the “studying” part. Not because they believe that peanuts will magically make a genius out of them thus the lack of the need to study, but because peanuts (especially if it’s cheding’s) are too tasty that they simply forget, period… (hey! I admit this is a bit biased, I am after all a peanut-lover hehehe)

–this is what we call a hopeless attempt to be funny actually ;-P

OOOPS! what is this guy’s pics doing here?!!!

I just finished watching Princess Hours and it left me feeling so sad for Yicheng a .k. a. Troy (in the Filipino-translated version), I wanna cry. Although I am glad that things went out well for Caijin and Xin, I cannot help but really feel like bursting into tears, so I thought of writing everything “out” down in order to keep tears from falling again (yep, I already did yesterday but I also had my sister crying with me so I was to some extent confident with the thought that I am not the only one who is “crazy” hehehehe)

I actually was not interested with this series at first though I have heard so much about it, until I was able to watch part of it at a friend’s house. I did not get to finish the series that time but the little that I was able to watch was more than enough to snag my heart (and my sister’s actually ; P ) loyal to the character of Yicheng. I guess this is because much of his character has touched a raw spot…the humility and the courage enough to admit his mistake and face its consequences, the love that he has for Caijin that he never fails to not just feel but also translate into action, so much that he has sacrificed a lot for her; his ever listening ears and crying shoulders; his only desire to see her happy and his doing the things that can make Caijin happy, which to him is contentment enough; his sensitivity; him feeling the pain that Caijin feels whenever he sees her downcast or crying; how he stood up for her and the love that he said he has for her, and how he was willing to wait for her for so long, he even was willing to wait for millions of years, until they meet again, just for a slim chance of Caijin liking him in return. (With all due respect to those who believe in this, I don’t believe this and I have to state it out clearly to avoid misinterpretations. I respect other’s opinion of course. We are after all free to believe whatever we want to believe in right?). He was not without fault of course, I agree to that but take that out and the fact that Caijin and Xin are already married (coz to me that is adultery and is a sin…no offense meant, I am just stating my stand regarding that issue), and I’d say he’d make a really fine fellow.

We had to watch everything several episodes at a time due to time constraints and because there are other things to do, and whenever we get to finish one batch and leave the rest of the episodes for the next coming days, my sister and I always end up feeling relieved because we also stop seeing Yicheng in pain–and then there is that feeling of dread, hating the fact that we have to watch it again because we simply cannot resist it since the storyline is hooking, and yet hating the thought of seeing Yicheng’s pain more. The silence, the sad smile, the expression of his eyes that says so much, the tears and the face when he cries that shows how much pain he is keeping inside, to us is too much to bear we had to cry to let it out (I know, I know…I have always been one whose tears can flood over the pain of a pocketbook hero or heroine, so I am not surprised and you too should not be ;D )

I know of course that this is just a movie. But it isn’t bad to wish that there would be a guy like that in real life…in my life, is it? Of course, in my opinion, there has got to be some additions to the equation, FAITH for instance is too vital to be ignored, and that I too would be able to love (and when I say LOVE, it is way far more than just the feeling) the guy in return, because I would not want him going through what Yicheng had to go through. I don’t think I can the stand the pain I’d feel for him if it would be for real.

PS.

He is so good he was able to effectively portray his role, to the point that the mere sound of his voice, broken and sad, had us covering our ears so we won’t hear the pain, even though we never really understood the words he said, except for a few fragments of English somewhere towards the end of the story. The translation was so bad I had to exert so much effort so I can grasp its meaning, those that are beyond my capacity I simply forgot about, for sanity’s sake hahahahaha

…the semester i mean hehehehe the days just seem to pass by unnoticed–all i know is that i can’t wait for summer to come. but then again, i can’t rest coz ill have to handle the summer practicum. i dont have to study though, that is what is good about it

if only we can have a cable connection (oooopps! big prob, NO TV at home…), you see, i’m hooked, with what? Prison Break (you gotta watch it guys, it’s SUPER)…Princess Hour-fever has passed, except that i still peek at some of its scenes from time to time so i can see my crush wahahahaha ;D boy i wanna go to south korea…the Bear Museum is just so fascinating! i only have one teddy bear, i wish i can have even just half of all the bears in that museum hehehehehe (the child in me or the childish in me? whichever…) when will i ever get to go to places outside Philippines?

this year started (the first month that is) with my cousin’s wedding, the motiff? red…imagine me having to wear that color, nah, i know you can’t coz i’m afraid it’s unimaginable–that is how terrible i looked anyways, to spare you of the very hard task of imagining, here are some photos. im with my cousin in the first phto. the second is a photo of some members of my family, the third is with two of my sisters (the ones not in a gown), my cuz and the GF of my other cuz…

hmmm…and these photos? well just some designs for bridesmaid gowns that i really like hehehehe

yep, i did that, i had to…from whom? from myself (more or less)…doesn’t make sense huh?

fear had me doing that–i was afraid that the consequence of losing somebody so dear would be too much too bear, if i will not do anything to control what was usually thought as uncontrollable.

so here i am now, moving forward, glad that i was able to get through the nights of almost-endless tears, after a day of tough fighting…unsure of what is to come yet assured that though what lies ahead is still unknown, God will carry me through, as always…

INFP
type description by D.Keirsey

Healer Idealists
are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in striving for their ends, and
informative and introverted in their interpersonal relations. Healer present a
seemingly tranquil, and noticiably pleasant face to the world, and though to
all appearances they might seem reserved, and even shy, on the inside they are
anything but reserved, having a capacity for caring not always found in other
types. They care deeply-indeed, passionately-about a few special persons or a
favorite cause, and their fervent aim is to bring peace and integrity to their
loved ones and the world.

Healers have a profound sense of idealism derived from a
strong personal morality, and they conceive of the world as an ethical,
honorable place. Indeed, to understand Healers, we must understand their
idealism as almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary
sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. The Healer is the Prince
or Princess of fairytale, the King’s Champion or Defender of the Faith, like
Sir Galahad or Joan of Arc. Healers are found in only 1 percent of the general
population, although, at times, their idealism leaves them feeling even more
isolated from the rest of humanity.

Healers seek unity in their lives, unity of body and
mind, emotions and intellect, perhaps because they are likely to have a sense
of inner division threaded through their lives, which comes from their often
unhappy childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood, which,
unfortunately, is discouraged or even punished by many parents. In a
practical-minded family, required by their parents to be sociable and
industrious in concrete ways, and also given down-to-earth siblings who conform
to these parental expectations, Healers come to see themselves as ugly
ducklings. Other types usually shrug off parental expectations that do not fit
them, but not the Healers. Wishing to please their parents and siblings, but
not knowing quite how to do it, they try to hide their differences, believing
they are bad to be so fanciful, so unlike their more solid brothers and
sisters. They wonder, some of them for the rest of their lives, whether they
are OK. They are quite OK, just different from the rest of their family-swans
reared in a family of ducks. Even so, to realize and really believe this is not
easy for them. Deeply committed to the positive and the good, yet taught to
believe there is evil in them, Healers can come to develop a certain
fascination with the problem of good and evil, sacred and profane. Healers are
drawn toward purity, but can become engrossed with the profane, continuously on
the lookout for the wickedness that lurks within them. Then, when Healers
believe thay have yielded to an impure temptation, they may be given to acts of
self-sacrifice in atonement. Others seldom detect this inner turmoil, however,
for the struggle between good and evil is within the Healer, who does not feel
compelled to make the issue public.

Full descriptions of the Healer and Idealists are in People Patterns or Please Understand Me II

Princess Diana
is an example of a Healer Idealist.

Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
by Joe Butt

Profile: INFP
Revision: 3.0
Date of Revision:

26 Feb 2005

"I remember the first albatross I ever
saw. … At intervals, it arched forth its vast archangel wings, as if to
embrace some holy ark. Wondrous flutterings and throbbings shook it. Though
bodily unharmed, it uttered cries, as some king’s ghost in super natural
distress. Through its inexpressible, strange eyes, methought I peeped to
secrets not below the heavens. As Abraham before the angels, I bowed
myself…" –(Herman Melville, Moby Dick)

INFPs never seem to lose their sense of wonder. One might
say they see life through rose-colored glasses. It’s as though they live at the
edge of a looking-glass world where mundane objects come to life, where flora
and fauna take on near-human qualities.

INFP children often exhibit this in a ‘Calvin and Hobbes’
fashion, switching from reality to fantasy and back again. With few exceptions,
it is the NF child who readily develops imaginary playmates (as with Anne of
Green Gables’s "bookcase girlfriend"–her own reflection) and whose
stuffed animals come to life like the Velveteen Rabbit and the Skin Horse:

"…Generally, by the time you are
Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get
loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all,
because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t
understand…" (the Skin Horse)

INFPs have the ability to see good in almost anyone or
anything. Even for the most unlovable the INFP is wont to have pity.

Rest you, my enemy,
Slain without fault,
Life smacks but tastelessly
Lacking your salt!
Stuck in a bog whence naught
May catapult me,
Come from the grave, long-sought,
Come and insult me!
–(Steven Vincent Benet, Elegy for an Enemy)

Their extreme depth of feeling is often hidden, even from
themselves, until circumstances evoke an impassioned response:

"I say, Queequeg! Why don’t you speak?
It’s I–Ishmael." But all remained still as before. … Something must
have happened. Apoplexy!
… And running up after me, she caught me as I was again trying to force open
the door. … "Have to burst it open," said I, and was running down
the entry a little, for a good start, when the landlady caught me, again vowing
I should not break down her premises; but I tore from her, and with a sudden
bodily rush dashed myself full against the mark.–(Melville, Moby Dick)

Of course, not all of life is rosy, and INFPs are not
exempt from the same disappointments and frustrations common to humanity. As
INTPs tend to have a sense of failed competence, INFPs struggle with the issue
of their own ethical perfection, e.g., perfo rmance of duty for the greater
cause. An INFP friend describes the inner conflict as not good versus bad, but
on a grand scale, Good vs. Evil. Luke Skywalker in Star Wars
depicts this conflict in his struggle between the two sides of "The
Force." Although the dark side must be reckoned with, the INFP believes
that good ultimately triumphs.

Some INFPs have a gift for taking technical information and
putting it into layman’s terms. Brendan Kehoe’s Zen and the Art of the
Internet is one example of this "de-jargoning" talent in action.

Functional
Analysis:

Introverted Feeling

INFPs live primarily in a rich inner world of introverted
Feeling. Being inward-turning, the natural attraction is away from world and
toward essence and ideal. This introversion of dominant Feeling, receiving its
data from extraverted intuition, must be the source of the quixotic nature of
these usually gentle beings. Feeling is caught in the approach- avoidance bind
between concern both for people and for All Creatures Great and Small, and a
psycho-magnetic repulsion from the same. The "object," be it homo
sapiens or a mere representation of an organism, is valued only to the
degree that the object contains some measure of the inner Essence or greater
Good. Doing a good deed, for example, may provide intrinsic satisfaction which
is only secondary to the greater good of striking a blow against Man’s
Inhumanity to Mankind.

Extraverted iNtuition

Extraverted intuition faces outward, greeting the world on
behalf of Feeling. What the observer usually sees is creativity with implied
good will. Intuition spawns this type’s philosophical bent and strengthens
pattern perception. It combines as auxiliary with introverted Feeling and gives
rise to unusual skill in both character development and fluency with
language–a sound basis for the development of literary facility. If INTPs
aspire to word mechanics, INFPs would be verbal artists.

Introverted Sensing

Sensing is introverted and often invisible. This stealth
function in the third position gives INFPs a natural inclination toward absent-
mindedness and other-worldliness, however, Feeling’s strong people awareness
provides a balancing, mitigating effect. This introverted Sensing is somewhat
categorical, a subdued version of SJ sensing. In the third position, however,
it is easily overridden by the stronger functions.

Extraverted Thinking

The INFP may turn to inferior extraverted Thinking for help
in focusing on externals and for closure. INFPs can even masquerade in their
ESTJ business suit, but not without expending considerable energy. The
inferior, problematic nature of Extraverted Thinking is its lack of context and
proportion. Single impersonal facts may loom large or attain higher priority
than more salient principles which are all but overlooked.

Famous INFPs:

Homer
Virgil
Mary, mother of Jesus
St. John, the beloved disciple
St. Luke; physician, disciple, author
William Shakespeare, bard of Avon
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (Evangeline)
A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
Laura Ingalls Wilder (Little House on the Prairie)
Helen Keller, deaf and blind author
Carl Rogers, reflective psychologist, counselor
Fred Rogers (Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood)
Dick Clark (American Bandstand)
Donna Reed, actor (It’s a Wonderful Life)
Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis
Neil Diamond, vocalist
Tom Brokaw, news anchor
James Herriot (All Creatures Great and Small)
Annie Dillard (Pilgrim at Tinker Creek)
James Taylor, vocalist
Julia Roberts, actor (Conspiracy Theory, Pretty Woman)
Scott Bakula (Quantum Leap)
Terri Gross (PBS’s "Fresh Air")
Amy Tan (author of The Joy-Luck Club, The Kitchen God’s Wife)
John F. Kennedy, Jr.
Lisa Kudrow ("Phoebe" of Friends)
Fred Savage ("The Wonder Years")

Fictional INFPs:

Anne (Anne of Green Gables)
Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)
Deanna Troi (Star Trek - The Next Generation)
Wesley Crusher (Star Trek - The Next Generation)
Doctor Julian Bashir (Star Trek: Deep Space 9)
Bastian (The Neverending Story)
E.T.: the ExtraTerrestrial
Doug Funny, Doug cartoons
Tommy, Rug Rats cartoons
Rocko, Rocko’s Modern Life cartoons

i am supposed to be sleeping now but i cant help but give in to the urge of slipping a few words out of my foggy brain…i was studying…had to run here so i can read and prepare for my lecture tomorrow. my materials are unfortunately stored in my PC and so i had to open my system unit once again, so i can bring my hardisk with me. our electric current drives my crazy! well, whatever…good thing i have a place to run to when i am in dire need.

2007 huh? it brought to me an unexpected start coz we had to once again celebrate its beginning here…good and unforgettable memories, ones that i will never forget. (one week and my sister misses this place already). all the laughter, the warmth and love; the belting (i mean singing hehehe), cooking, eating, movie-watching, sleeping, cleaning and chatting sessions brought us joy. there are so much to look back to, so much that will never fail to touch the heart when remembered, so much that i cannot put it all into words…

i can only close my eyes, and smile, and sigh…

here in my bestfriend’s place…
WHERE?!
…in my bestfriend’s place ;P

yup, i am ("we are" actually, coz my younger sibs are also here) right now at kukong’s place, celebrating christmas eve. his mom adopted us because we are homeless as of the moment. my Ma visited my Pa and we thought it better that they spend the holidays together since they rarely get that chance and we can’t afford to all go there because of the shortage of funds…so we had to sacrifice and stay here in MSU.

this is the most unexpected christmas…never in my most wildest wishful thinking did i ever imagine that i would end up celebrating this particular holiday with my bestfriend and his family, who has become more of a second family to me, but more than that, i am so touched by their kindness…God indeed has ways of handing out the surprise for the day.

so many things has been happening and now this–so many that i was not able to find the time to sit down and put everything into words (it will all be posted soon…). each of the days that passed were simply wonderful that expressing all that i have been through into to words will not give it any justice at all, but i will try and i will start with "now."

in my heart right at this moment is this heartwarming feeling, something that i can never truly describe, for mere words will fall short of what should be done. all i know is that i am so thankful because there are hearts who reached out to us to share not just their house but their home, so we can celebrate with them the beginning of the hope of a once hopeless world, the birth of Christ, which brought forth the salvation of mankind.

the joy that i now have is because God’s love is mirrored in their hearts and it reminded me that truly knowing God’s love is not just speking of it and feeling it but more importantly sharing it to others. No one will ever fathom the depth of God’s love, symbolized by the greatest sacrifice of God giving His Son for the salvation of all sinners, but through the lives of persons like my bestfriend’s and his family, even a heart hardened and the cynical will see hope.

i can never repay them for all that they have done for me, only God can…but in my heart of hearts i know that theirs is a family that will always have me looking up to God and thanking Him, for i know i am truly blessed. all the memories that has been made and will be made tonight i will always carry and will forever remind me that there is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for a friend, a love that was clearly shown to us when Christ died on the cross in exchange for us.

i know i will always look back to this and will carry in my heart the mark that this exerience has made; and along with that will be a prayer that somewhere, somehow there are more families like this family, who are willing to open their hearts to those who need to feel what love truly means.

To Uncle Boy, Auntie Cora, Kuya Tintan, Kukong, Nanan, Tatin, Wawing and Badat:

Thank you so much! These words will never be enough but allow me to say it still…The love that you guys have shown will always serve as an inspiration, and will always remind me that there is so much difference that will be made in acts of kindness such as this. it is my prayer that my life too would serve as a light to others, just as yours did to me and my family, and that you will continue to inspire others with the love that you have shown. The laughter, the cooking session, the eating spree, every single moment will forever be etched in not just my heart but in my siblings’ hearts as well…thank you so so much. I love you guys…God bless you abundantly always! Merry CHRISTmas