deafening silence
…not the absence of sound but the unfathomable silence brought about by the fact that though there is noise all around, there is no single sound that was ever be successful enough to get through the walls that I built around myself…
I recall telling someone that doing that–building walls around oneself–can keep someone safe from the pain that can be inflicted from without, but it can never shield someone from the pain that comes from within. I knew coz I was once there…Was? I am not so certain now because it seems I am starting to see glimpses of it again…the fear, the uncertainty, the unwillingness to take the risk, the strong urge to make sure that I will not knowingly give someone the capacity to hurt me unless it is all worth it, the need to be reached out first due to the fear of rejection…
Beneath the bubbly surface, drowned by the reverberating laughter, masked by the generous smile is an oh-so-silent-yet-destructive war…One part of me shouting "I should stop caring!", the other quietly whispering "No! I should not inflict the same pain inflicted on me to others…"
Oh, I think i made the right decision…it’s just that sometimes the pain becomes so unbearable, I want to run away from everything. I cannot though…I can only continue to look up and pray to GOD for the strength that I so need to make it through all these…to get through the times when it seems that no one cares enough to see that behind the carefree mask is a storm; that no one is patient enough to gently break down the walls that are now around me; that no one is brave enough to disturb the deafening silence…
I know what to do…and that is to keep walking in faith, knowing that everything happens for a purpose…but there is one question that I need to ask — "Is it too much to hope that someday, there would be that someone in this earth (friend, someone who loves me that I too can love, whoever…), who will not just see through the walls but also will choose to do something?"
