my mind…my heart

…not the absence of sound but the unfathomable silence brought about by the fact that though there is noise all around, there is no single sound that was ever be successful enough to get through the walls that I built around myself…

I recall telling someone that doing that–building walls around oneself–can keep someone safe from the pain that can be inflicted from without, but it can never shield someone from the pain that comes from within. I knew coz I was once there…Was? I am not so certain now because it seems I am starting to see glimpses of it again…the fear, the uncertainty, the unwillingness to take the risk, the strong urge to make sure that I will not knowingly give someone the capacity to hurt me unless it is all worth it, the need to be reached out first due to the fear of rejection…

Beneath the bubbly surface, drowned by the reverberating laughter, masked by the generous smile is an oh-so-silent-yet-destructive war…One part of me shouting "I should stop caring!", the other quietly whispering "No! I should not inflict the same pain inflicted on me to others…"

Oh, I think i made the right decision…it’s just that sometimes the pain becomes so unbearable, I want to run away from everything. I cannot though…I can only continue to look up and pray to GOD for the strength that I so need to make it through all these…to get through the times when it seems that no one cares enough to see that behind the carefree mask is a storm; that no one is patient enough to gently break down the walls that are now around me; that no one is brave enough to disturb the deafening silence…

I know what to do…and that is to keep walking in faith, knowing that everything happens for a purpose…but there is one question that I need to ask — "Is it too much to hope that someday, there would be that someone in this earth (friend, someone who loves me that I too can love, whoever…), who will not just see through the walls but also will choose to do something?"

I am actually positioned between one elderly lady working on her crochet and a younger lady holding her rather adorable charge, smiling because of the thoughts that are in my mind…

"Oh, poor me! To my right is someone so productive she, after sometime, will actually come up with something tangible, a beautiful work of her hand. A center piece maybe or a bonnet, but whatever it is, it is surely more important and useful compared to these words that are now being formed from my mind, through the pen in my hand and to this notebook. To my left (now this is worse hehehe) is a one-year-old-plus kid who happen to be so pretty one cannot help but notice her; her eyes, especially when she smiles is so riveting; her laugh, so uninhabited is captivating; and her curls, oh it is just so adorable, angelic even! So where does that leave me? Ummm…in the middle? Hahahaha ;-D Oh, but I am! In the middle of them I mean ;-P sitting between the two of them, not productive as the old lady and definitely not adorable as the baby heehee <wink>

In the midst of this din, I am nothing but a stranger; faceless and unnoticeable, silent and alone; with my pen and notebook and a newly bought 598-page book wanting to be read…ignoring all the movements and all the varied sounds in varying degrees (don’t wanna call it noise coz i don’t wanna complain hahaha); perdiodically interrupted only by someone singing this song, to me:

"I wanna make you smile whenever you’re sad, carry you around when your arthritis is bad…all I wanna do I grow old with you…"

Sound familiar? It’s Adam Sandler’s and he is doing the singing <wink wink> — does it whenever I get a new message in the mobile phone’s inbox. It’s a record and I’m using it as my message alert tone hehehehe Oh, there he goes again!"

ps.

why this color? coz im wearing a shirt and a sneakers with this color today, my skirt is blue though…point? well i love this color ;-D

another ps. (hahaha)

remember the elderly lady I mentioned a while ago? well few minutes before I left the bench where i was sitting on, I found out that she is actually working on a hat for her husband (sweet of her…). I did not ask of course, I just saw her take off her beloved hubby’s hat so she can measure what she was working on and make sure that it is of the same size as that of the hat that he is wearing…hmmm…

Im sitting here, outside Mandarin, just a table away from where Rogier and I sat yesterday; waiting for my luck–it being an empty seat (all cushioned and soft) inside the restaurant. The more I think about wanting to have it though, the more I realize that my luck could be one family’s misfortune. So I decided to just stay rooted in this spot where I am sitting now, so that a family who will happen to come along can comfortably sit together in them cushioned benches that I would have loved to be sitting on.

My comfort is something that i can easily sacrifice, I don’t need much anyway; just enough space to eat the tropical salad I ordered and enjoy the pot full of Chinese tea, and enough space so I can write…I actually am writing! As in using a pen and a notebook, to capture my thoughts and turn them into written words; something that I have not done for a long time because I have gotten so used to using a computer. So as of the moment, I am stuck with this, without any choice at all. I am enjoying this though ;-P Oh, and just as I thought, one family of Chinese beauties did come along and they were able to sit together in one of the benches that I was longingly gazing at, a few minutes ago.