my mind…my heart

“mentally choked” hmmm…is there such a thing? Somebody please answer that question…

That is the closest that I can get to putting into words my state now and I feel so stressed out, I feel like I am floating. I am doing my best to unload my mind while trying to relieve my head of at least a little pain by loading my stomach with caffeine (I’m drinking coffee in case you’ll get the wrong ideas hehehe)…hoping that I would become “mentally un-choked” I suppose (again, if there is such a thing). There are just so many things to do, so many responsibilities to face and so many changes in my life that I am finding it hard to be the normal me. Not in a bad sense of course, ummmm, lets just say, I’m finding these new to me, but I am coping up, thanks to those who are supporting me in prayer and most especially to GOD.

So why am I feeling this way? Well…Because I had to exert so much effort to make the delivery of my lecture in Environmental Risk Assessment easy for my students, that’s why. You see, this subject is so technical I too found it so difficult when I started handling this subject (Oh boy! I am indeed in a bad need of a master’s degree…). What I am glad about now is that fact that I have finally managed to find so many resources to use, the difficulty now lies in how I can integrate all the important infos together as best as I can, so my students can have the best of what I got from books and from the internet. Now more than ever, I realized that teaching is not an easy task…when I was a student, I thought that things were easy for my instructors because it seemed like they knew everything and they are so good with what they do I felt like they can even close their eyes while delivering their lectures. I was wrong…instructors have to exert more effort, way far more than students does, so they can come up with a decent lecture that some students do not take seriously, if not totally ignore. I once did the ignoring and I now know that I should not have hehehe talk about learning my lessons the hard way literally and figuratively ; p

It was not all difficulty though, because along with it is the fulfillment that comes with the knowledge that they have finally understood the lecture however hard the subject is. I had to take time to explain it one single simple step at a time, praying hard at that same time that God would lead me to the right way of making them understand. It was so much of a comfort when their questions started pouring in, because it was a sign that they are finally grasping it. Haaah, the wears and tears, and definitely the joys of being an instructor…you guys wanna try?

I think a lot these days and I have changed so much of the way I do things that it sometimes scares me. My study patterns have changed (I usually start studying after dinner and whenever I have the time), so is my sleeping pattern (I sleep at around 10 or 11 then wake up at 2 or 3 to study, which is weird of me) hehehe but I am glad that I am more in control now, more busy but in control. I now have time to swim, play basketball (I have finally gotten around to doing it after wanting to do so for years, not the serious game but it still is basketball hehehe), badminton and table tennis and I stay home whenever I can, to cook and do the house chores; and I still have time for church activities. I don’t usually do this you see, at least not frequently in a week that is why I feel like something inside me has changed so much. Things shifted a lot to the point that it scares me that I might not be able to keep the momentum. Of course I have God and I know that it has always been Him not me so I really do not have any reason to fear. I only need to take things one step at a time…and back things up in constant prayer and ask God what He wants me to do, not ask Him to allow me to do what I want to do. So what’s next? naah, I won’t think about it yet ; P we’ll see…

i had to force myself to think, to translate into words my thoughts just so i can sort out my jumbled mind…there are so much that i want to write but my fingers remained still, until i forced it to move. I do not blame it though, for it is my mind and my heart that are too confused.

i so want to close my eyes, to let my imagination bring me to where my heart’s peace lies…somewhere…where? i wish i knew…i truly wish i do. but i don’t, so i have to stop my thoughts from wandering. i have to focus, to think…happy thoughts? nah…of my memories of the grandest vacation that i’ve ever had, of the persons i hold dear who have touched my heart and these thoughts are not happy thoughts, they are wonderful thoughts.

did it makes sense? i guess not ; p

words, mere words but oh so precious for behind it all, is a heart that truly feels…i know the words "thank you" will never suffice but allow me to say this…"thank you bambitot" from the bottom of my homesick heart…i am so blessed that God gave me you : ) luv yah…

“Te, love kayo ta ka and I miss
you. But like you, I know God has a purpose and we just have to look to Him…He
knows best…And everything that you wrote in the blog, know that when I read
them, the words became alive and touched my heart. You know I love you, you
know who you are to me, and you know that you are special more than others will
ever know. You know you’re my best friend, my little jeep…And among others, you
know how far, how deep I’ve shared my life with you…”

“And you know how much I trust
and cherish you that I’ll be willing to hang on a cliff as long as I know you
are the friend and sister holding the other end of the rope that holds my
life…I’ll do that. Not because you are perfect, but because your God and my God
is.”

“I’m glad to hear you too. I felt
nearer to home…Te, thank you for everything…And let’s simply give that dream to
our Father who loves us…”

07/17/2006

 
“Oceans and stretches of land
apart, but when I am awake and you are sleeping, I think of you and how blessed
I am to have a friend like you…In my heart you are missed, and my thoughts you
are always remembered…In my dreams I am home and I am closer to you…Love you
little jeep…mwah…kiss ko while my Ate Claire is sleeping. God bless you…”

07/17/2006

A lot of
times in your life you wonder why you have to lose something…you especially
ask that when the loss was to you so great you thought at that time that you
can’t get through the whole process. But you can, yes you can! How? By trusting
God enough to believe that when He takes something from you, it is not because
He does not want you to be happy. On the contrary, He wants nothing but your
happiness that is why He had to take what He took away; that way, you’ll have room
enough for that something that is greater and better that He wants you to have.
FAITH…that is the key. As simple as it may sound though, taking a step of
faith is not an easy task. You see, this is not only about you thinking that
God “might” do it that is why you ask for it, nor is it just about you believing
that God will give you what you are asking for. It is about you
holding on to the assurance that though you may not get what you are asking
for, God will give you something else in exchange for it and it will always be
what is best for you. It is about you surrendering your life to Him; your
desires, your dreams, your plans, knowing that He is in control of your life.
It is about you obeying Him despite the uncertainty and about you being able to
get in stride through even the most painful of times, knowing that everything
happens for a purpose. Faith is about making the right choice in the eyes of
God, knowing that choosing Him over and above anything else in the world is the
best decision that one can ever make, for we can be assured that His plans for
us are not to harm us but to prosper us and to give us hope and a future.

July 14, 2006

“Te, I may not be there…but know that my heart always is. You may no longer hear my voice but the wind whispers it…I may not be holding your hand, but those spaces between your fingers say that my place is with you. I may not be able to hug you any longer, but know that when you just remember me, my heart gets to fly to be with you again. We may not be able to talk now like we did but every single moment we shared before was priceless, it makes my life meaningful. You are my best friend. I love you always…always my little jeep…God bless you…”

I woke up this morning and those words written above greeted me…tears fell as each of the memories so treasured flitted by through my head, and I clearly recalled how it felt to have that dearest friend near, within my arms’ reach…the things that God allowed us to share are innumerable, I can only attempt to put everything to words and be sure that I would end up falling short of what is supposed to be done.

God has brought us this far in our friendship — He carried us through two very painful separations and allowed us to get by, stronger and wiser; gave us each other to lean on to in our weakest and lowest; held our hands together when the storms were at their strongest; kept us standing on our grounds when the biggest of waves crashed; offered us comfort through each other’s shoulders, when the raindrops won’t seem to stop from pouring; and allowed us to trust His heart through the darkest of tunnels where we failed to feel His hand.

And He brought us through — He showed us the rainbow after the rain; gave us the Faith, enough to have our hearts rested on the fact the He is painting in us a masterpiece so beautiful that nothing can douse the fire of excitement that we have in our hearts, for we know that the time will come when He will reveal the completed painting; enabled us to believe that everything, however worse, will work out well for us for He is in control; assured us that He counted every single tears that fell and felt every single pain that broke our hearts; and gave us peace despite all the pain and the confusion, for He promised that He will collect all dues that needed collecting, for us…thus we need not do anything anymore, we need only to trust and to continue to mirror God’s love.

Now, because God willed it so, we are far apart – He allowed it so that we will grow, separate yet together in our hearts; so we will learn to value every single moment the He gave us; so that we will see the beauty of the bond that keeps us inseparable, wrapped with everything the we hold so dearly in our hearts – “Our Side of Heaven”, where our memories of Mama Daisy, Papa Sammy, Cinderelly, Goldilocks and Peter Pan (a.k.a. Christopher Robin in “Our Camp of Refuge”) will always be a proof that there is a little bit of heaven here on earth, sent from up above; “Our Camp of Refuge”, where we found peace when everything around us was raging and where Mama Jing, Papa Nestor, Tigger, Rabbit, Eeyore and Piglet (a.k.a. carmelly in “Our Side of Heaven”) simply let us be, choosing to understand us and holding their questions at bay, knowing that answering their queries was the last thing that we needed and wanted to do, a simple act that became our source of hope and motivation to go on despite all the odds.

My heart will always sing of the melodies we share; will always smile when I think of how carefree she can be when she laughs with glee; will always be comforted by the thought that she is one true friend, one who has seen the worst of me and yet embraced everything about me; will always be assured that no one except the Almighty can break the bond that ties us together; and will always be hopeful that He would someday grant us the dream that we both share…I will always remember her, whenever I see trees, grasses, flowers, butterflies, rivers and mountains; whenever I take walks or take some time to sit in the mini forest, in the golf course or in the oval; whenever I bathe in the rain; whenever I watch the sunset; whenever I feel the cool breeze touch my hair and cheeks; and whenever I look at the spaces between my fingers……Who is she? She is Mulan, my Little Jeep, our Bambitot – Aisa Oliveros Manlosa. Aaaah, so you are wondering…Who am I? In “Our Side of Heaven”, I am Wendy, Pan’s dearest friend, and in “Our Camp of Refuge”, I am Pooh, Christopher Robin’s best friend; Pan led Wendy to the Lost Boys, Christopher Robin became part of Pooh’s friends; and as in the tales of Peter Pan and Winnie the Pooh, everyone gets to live happy ever after…God is indeed good and life is indeed beautiful, and you can only agree ; p

Peep peep the small jeep is running down the street

STOP, LOOK and LISTEN; STOP, LOOK and LISTEN

Peep peep the small jeep is running down the street

Such simple words…we sang this when we were young kids; to remind us the we should stop, look, and listen before crossing the road, so we will avoid being run down by a small jeep that might happen to be running that same time we decide to cross to the other side.

But this song took an entirely different meaning to us, Aisa and I…we are grown ups, children at heart yes, but we are grown ups. We would want to be kids again, given the chance but hey, who says we are not happy as we are? There are just things that we want changed. What? The sad fact that we grown ups fail to enjoy so much in life because along with our giving way to adulthood, is also our letting go of the capacity to see things as simply as they are, unknowingly. You see, we look at life so differently now that we fail to see, thus enjoy the essentials in life. We look at the world and look for wealth, status and prestige, but the little ones look at it and look for love, compassion and hope. We think of what the world can give us and the most that we can get out of it, while they think of what they can give and the best of what they can offer to it. And so, because we remain discontented of what we have gained for ourselves, we do our best to take control of our lives, in our futile search of fulfillment from this world; only to end up frustrated because we alone, never will find it. Not with all our self-centeredness…Hopeless? Not really…just narcissistic, so much that we think we make who we are and what we are, and we believe so much that we are the drivers of our lives, when we are not.

We are like small jeeps, we don’t run on our own–there has got to be a driver, for small jeeps cannot be jeeps and drivers at the same time. Someone else has to drive the small jeeps…Who? Two choices: God, the King of all Kings or Satan, the one who boldly claimed that he is king of this world, though obviously defeated. This time, we get to choose…we should make the right choice though…Choose GOD, for only He knows the way and only He can drive us to safety, away from the deceitfulness of this world. Let us STOP running our own lives, let us LOOK up to GOD our creator, and let us LISTEN to HIS voice…only then will we have fulfillment, only then will we find contentment and only then will we be able to see the world as the young ones does.

It is not yet too late. God is a God of chances and His grace abounds…we only need to earnestly come to Him to seek His forgiveness; we only need to surrender our lives to Him. He will gladly accept us and enfold us in His loving embrace–He will gladly drive our lives for us so we will not be running to and fro, directionless. You want proof? His greatest sacrifice of sending His own Son Jesus Christ to die on the cross is the proof (John 3:16), that all of those who will hear the word and will believe that God sent Jesus for us will be saved (John 5:24).

It has been more than a week now since I left Los Baños…

Just that, for I know I will never give justice to it; no
words seem adequate to describe every single detail of what I have been through
while I was there. My mind is struggling so much to interpret what is contained
in my heart that I could not think of anything else to write after the last
word of that phrase, only the dots…so much that I do not know where to begin.

I stayed there for only a little more than two months, yet
my heart have found one very special home away from my home. And so part of my
heart will always long to get back there once more, in as much as I am glad
that I  am home now, with my family.

I am doing my best right at this moment to relive every
single memory that God allowed me to have–recapture every single scene;
remember every single face and expression; recall every single place and
corner; replay every single song that I have sang, that I sang with the people
that I got to know and so valued there, and the songs that were sang for me.
These will never be enough but even so, every single detail of these, will
forever be etched in my heart.

I guess it will always remain indescribable, but what my
words fail to express will always be seen whenever I talk about that place; in
my smile, lurking behind the twinkle of my eyes, an expression so fleeting only
the ones touched by the same longing can see it.

I so want to put everything into words so others would know
what it exactly means to me, so they would fully understand the depth of how
significant each of the single hours spent there had been and how it will
always be so but I cannot, for mere words will ever be enough…

I wrote this some three years ago, for a reason that will soon become apparent to you guys after you read the whole of this blog. I stumbled into this (figuratively of course *wink wink*) last night when I was freeing my PC of all the trash in it and some unwanted stuffs and I could not help but marvel at the feeling that it evoked.
When I was reading this last night, I felt as if I was transported back to a time way past that when I looked at the rightmost corner of the top of the page, I was shocked. It felt so distant you see and I could not quite reconcile it to the fact that I wrote it only three years and five months ago. A product of a confused mind and a pained heart, you might say but believe me, I’ve been through worse and i got through even that because my GOD is so faithful and loving and HE is just. Another chapter of my life has opened and this literary work is part of that other chapter already closed and sealed but it’s meaning will stand true to every story that will unfold, for GOD is a GOD of so many chances that one can be sure of a new and better dream in place of the death of another.

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February, 2003

When do we know that we do not love somebody anymore? Would it be when the talk ceases to be exciting or when their presence stops invading our minds? Can we say we fell out of love because the mere mention of their name already fails to make our heartbeat skip? Should we really say that it is not what it used to be when the simple thought of that person falls short of making us feel that odd emotion that once tugged at our hearts? Would it be right to say that the feeling simply stopped because both of you cannot take another step more to understand?

When do we realize that we already are starting to love another? Would it be when someone else spices up the life that, we believe became dull when the excitement that we formerly feel with the person ceased to be? Or is it because the communication simply stopped becoming interesting? Can it be because the name does not sound sweet anymore or maybe because the presence does not anymore take our breath away, instead somebody else’s come to mind? Or is it because we can feel no more that sweet heartwarming pull whenever that person is near and thinking of another does just the job?

Between the two persons, how do we know whom we love more? Between those emotions, when and how can we be certain that the love that we feel is truer than the other? In this case, how can we be sure that our love is real? How can we be sure that the world that we chose to share is not only a make believe world that we unconsciously created? How do we know then that the walls that surround us and the road that we are trudging are concrete? When we truly love a person, would it still be possible to find a room to feel that we love someone else?

Questions, questions and more questions…there seems to be so many of them. Assuming we have successfully gone through, would we still have the courage to believe? Would we still have the strength to look for an anchor to which we can hold on to? Would we still be willing to open our eyes and go through the same road again? Will we not, at some point, entertain the thought of simply stashing away all those painful memories in the deepest, darkest corner of our life and find another path free from the same pains that we unfortunately had to go through? I guess it would be simple if we do not love at all, but then again that isn’t always the case…